FREAKED OUT: The stress of those who score in this level has reached dramatic proportions. It is marked by themes of death and violence and a lack of any hope. Specifically, some who score in this range indicate they have considered suicide, or are bothered by thoughts and fears of dying. Others report that their anger has led them to act out aggressively against themselves and others.

Chances are those scoring at this level also experience a significant level of hopelessness that keeps them from taking any action to bring about relief. It seems they have given up attempts to make things better and are not expecting improvements in the quality of their lives. Consequently, their attempts to self-medicate, that is to use alcohol, drugs, food, etc. to ease the pain they feel, have either escalated to dangerous levels or resulted in enough distress of one kind or another to bring about a personal crisis during which help from support groups was accessed.

Sadness and depression seem to be severe, resulting in constant crying for some. Anger pointed inward has evolved to self-hate, and physical symptoms have escalated into actual illness at this stage. Overall, those experiencing this intense level of stress typically find they have an extremely limited ability to function in daily life.

Guidance: It’s important to seek help. If you find yourself identifying with any of this description, it’s time to recognize that you can’t expect to handle life’s problems on your own right now. Everyone has some time in their life when they need to look to someone else for a little help. We encourage you to reach out to friends and family if they can be helpful and effective resources. Alternatively, you can contact community organizations, mental health professionals, or your local hospital emergency room for information on what kinds of programs in your area provide help for people in crisis.

In addition, you can search for a psychotherapist online right now by clicking on Psychology Today’s online therapist directory.


The important thing is to remember things can get better, and you don’t have to do it all on your own. Your children are counting on you – you owe it to them and to yourself to take action and get help now!

Single Parent or not… Here are 12 things anyone can do to reduce stress:
People at lower levels of stress can often rely on their own resources to relieve stress, while people at high levels of stress need a combination of self-reliance and social support. It is important thing to gain a sense of control and accomplishment – while at the same time surrounding yourself with people and resources that reinforce this.

• Replace the phrase “I have to . . .” with “I get to . . . .” Even the most miserable of tasks seem easier and less stressful if you get to do them. By removing that feeling that you “have” to do something, you’ve reduced some pressure and stress.
• Cut out the coffee, hot chocolate and soft drinks — Caffeine causes anxiety and make things more stressful.
• Keep toys on your desk — It gives you something physical and mental to do at the same time, and helps reduce anxiety.
• Write down your stressful situation — By putting your thoughts down on paper (or in the computer) you can transfer your emotions from your mind to something more tangible.
• Tackle the most stressful tasks first — As we become more tired, our stress defenses go down, so it’s best to handle the most stressful events when your body is most alert and rested.
• Exercise - Getting away from sources of conflict and exercising for just a couple minutes can reduce stress remarkably. If you can get away for a walk, that’s even better. Get some oxygen into your body by breathing deeply. If you can stop and breathe deeply for 10 minutes a couple times a day, you can reduce your stress dramatically.
• Eat a sweet — When you’re feeling really stressed, take a minute and eat a bite or two of candy (watch out for chocolate, which has caffeine in it). Researchers have found that stress levels go down when we consume sugars.
• Drink some orange juice. Scientists have discovered that vitamin C can reduce the production of stress hormones. Eat an orange, drink some juice, take a 200 mg. supplement, or eat other foods rich in vitamin C like broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, tomatoes, peppers, potatoes, strawberries, grapefruit and cantaloupe.
• Make yourself at home — Personalize your workspace. Surround yourself with photographs of home, posters from favorite movies or plants and flowers. Familiar, homey-objects help relax tensions.
• Sing a song — This tip does double duty, music and singing relax the body, AND by singing you breathe more deeply. Depending on your voice, however, you might create more stress for the people around you.
• Watch a funny video — Laughter like singing gets more oxygen into our lungs, so watch something that gives you some laughs.
• Cut out over doing the multi-tasking — The more balls you have in the air, the more stress you can feel. Reduce the number of balls and reduce the tension and stress.

JITTERY: Things are really starting to get out of hand for the person, and the stress has intensified to an unhealthy level. Chances are the person experiences serious symptoms in more than one area of life. While a few individuals who score in this range still feel a significant amount of happiness and enjoyment (especially when they are around others who help them feel good), most find themselves caught up in a tidal wave of negative emotion.

Sadness and depression may be reaching new depths at this point, and this feeds into feelings of guilt. The person is most likely fairly angry and sometimes preoccupied with the idea that she or he is being punished for past or current mistakes. This perspective tends to take away empowerment, and contributes to the feelings of hopelessness that well up more frequently than they once did.

As the stress mounts, the person probably notices that the nervousness and tension experienced in the past have now grown to become periods of high anxiety and fear. Things that merely bothered the person before now appear truly frightening. In addition, chances are irritation and frustration are spilling over into full-blown annoyance and anger so that the person loses control of his or her temper more and more.

All this strain takes a physical toll. The appetite may be noticeably affected, or his or her sex life may have changed for the worse. People in the Jittery range might find themselves waking up during the night or very early in the morning due to worry and anxiety. Headaches and stomachaches may now be a problem, along with other physical ailments not previously present. This person may also experience the symptoms of an anxiety attack from time to time – pounding heart, shortness of breath, flushed skin.

Because of these physical problems and the intensity of the associated symptoms, some individuals who score at this level attempt to self-medicate. In an effort to reduce the distress they feel, they turn to alcohol, drugs, over-the-counter medications, caffeine, tobacco or overeating. But self-medication provides only a short-lived relief from symptoms, while creating or contributing to other problems in the long run. If you find yourself coping with stress through any of these means, it’s important that you recognize the pattern and reach out for help to break it.

Guidance: It’s crucial that you take stock of where you are and where you’re headed in terms of overall stress. Based on our research, we’ve identified the kinds of signs and symptoms people experience as their stress intensifies. As someone scoring in the Jittery range becomes more stressed, they might expect the following red flags:

• Feelings of hopelessness; giving up.
• Inability to stop crying.
• Thoughts and fears about death.
• Loss of control in regards to anger, aggression or alcohol or drug use.

While you may have given up hope of solving the problems that create so much stress for you, the fact is that taking action for change is the best thing you can do at this point. Even one small step in the direction of resolving a relatively minor issue can create a starting place, a turning point that leads to less stress instead of more.

RUFFLED: People in this range experience a mixed bag – content and optimistic on some days, fearful and fatigued on others. While someone in this stage might feel more happy than sad about life at this point, there are signs that things might be getting to the person – nervousness and irritation are on the rise, for example. In addition, there’s a good chance the person is feeling overwhelmed by circumstances more often than not.

These mixed emotions promote a sense of confusion. Underneath, at the core, there is a satisfaction and confidence that all things will work out eventually. The person seems able to keep fears, anger and expectations all in perspective. Layered on top of this solid foundation, however, are churning emotions that cause an occasional mild level of distress. The person begins to worry more about the kids, finances, work, and every so often this worry builds to an unhealthy level. The person does not blame him/herself for everything that is wrong in life, but is likely putting plenty of energy into sorting out who is responsible for what in a past relationship. Most of the time this is a beneficial endeavor that helps the person heal, but occasionally it becomes intense enough to create negative feelings of self-recrimination.

On top of this, the individual is having a more difficult time relaxing than before. Nervousness increases, sometimes building into full-blown anxiety. While this tension can stem from any number of sources, it is especially noticeable when the person is in social situations that involve meeting new people, or when you take the first steps toward reviving a dating life.

During these peaks in emotional strain the individual might experience some mild symptoms such as spontaneous waking early in the morning or a generalized fatigue. However, strong optimism and hopefulness balance out the distress and help keep the person’s symptoms to a minimum.

Based on our research, we’ve identified the kinds of signs and symptoms people at this level experience as their stress intensifies. As someone scoring in the Ruffled range becomes mores stressed, they might expect the following red flags:

• Feeling truly afraid, rather than just nervous.
• Increased difficulty in making decisions.
• More physical symptoms crop up, such as headaches, stomach aches, heart palpitations.
• Feeling overwhelmed more frequently than you have in the past.

Guidance: One factor that is definitely helping you keep stress from growing is the amount of energy you are putting into solving problems, resolving issues and generally working things out. You are taking action instead of remaining passive, and your efforts to make needed changes result not only in an improved lifestyle, but also in reducing the level of tension you experience. As your affairs are sorted out and obstacles are overcome, your stress level comes down accordingly.

It’s truly important that you find a way to succeed in your problem-solving efforts here, as our research shows that people who fail to make headway at this level of stress can begin to feel defeated and powerless. This causes their symptoms of stress become significantly worse. If you are having a hard time figuring out how to improve your situation, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Now is the time to do what it takes to make things better.

CALM is the lowest level of our stress barometer. In calm, stress comes and goes, with no apparent lasting effects. Few, if any, symptoms bother the person. This is not to say that from time to time the person doesn’t feel lonely, a little worried, or hesitant about getting back into the dating game. But for the most part the person is fairly relaxed about the curve balls life throws. There are no physical symptoms or emotional hang-ups serious enough to keep the person from functioning well as a parent, an employee or a single adult in search of new relationships.

Guidance: It’s likely that you are experiencing the most stress around getting everything done that needs doing in your life. With so many demands on your time and energy, it’s to be expected that you just aren’t able to keep up sometimes. Just don’t let those missed teacher meetings, overdue bills and postponed movie dates make you feel bad about yourself. Why not try the 80 percent rule? Many single parents find themselves in the position of trying to do more than is humanly possible, but they forget to make allowances for this. Don’t make the mistake of keeping the same expectations for yourself as you had when you were still married. Are you still trying to handle 100 percent of your responsibilities 100 percent correctly, 100 percent of the time? If so, as a single person now doing the work of two people, it’s time to rethink your goals! The 80 percent rule says you are successful when you cover your responsibilities, deliver on commitments, and show up on time 80 percent of the time.

Now’s a good time to take stock of where you are and where you’re headed in terms of overall stress. Based on our research, we’ve identified the kinds of signs and symptoms people experience as their stress intensifies. As someone scoring in the Calm range becomes mores stressed, they might expect the following red flags:

• Increased worry over small things.
• Lack of energy or initiative to take on something new, even when you are excited about the project.
• Backing away from new romantic relationships for reasons that are not clear to you.
• Feelings of tension and anxiety related to issues that did not previously bother you.

Feeling successful is a factor in how happy you are feeling overall. For some single parents it’s hard to deal with the twists and turns life has taken. Most do not expect to be in the position they now find themselves in, and are working through the process of letting go the dreams of a life-long love, and an intact two-parent family. While you aren’t stressing as badly as some, it may seem to you that you aren’t smiling as much as those around you, either.

Part of that is just the wear and tear of parenting, increased when you have no one to share the every day burdens and joys with. It’s important to remember, it does get better with time. You will make progress on the bills, the house, the job. The kids will grow up and begin to take responsibility for themselves – it’s going to get better!