The human spirit is undeniably powerful and resilient. It can lift us to feats of incredible strength, courage and survival in the face of looming fear. But nothing this side of a Wiffle ball bat to the groin can slice a man down and reduce him to a slobbering lump of tears and anguish faster than those dreaded words – "nice guy."

As it stands, "nice" can mean many things.

“Golly, Mrs. Simmons, I noticed the new paint job on your shutters and trim. It sure looks nice.”

“Hey, Greg, I saw the new Mollusks of the Northeast stamp series at the post office yesterday. How nice.”

“Today I didn't get flattened by a speeding trolley car. Isn't that nice?”

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But for a lot of guys, myself included, it can fall anywhere between benign and utterly emasculating. Truth is, I used to be one of the nice guys. You know, a kind-hearted, good listener – often a little too eager to please. One of the guys who watches as the girl he's been pining for rushes into the arms of a slick, mouth-breathing dolt with a wandering eye and a predictable bad-boy attitude. The same nice guy who would later be there to cheer and console her until the next misogynistic clone comes along.

Fortunately I've found that if you're honest with yourself and open to learning from some common missteps, a guy can still keep his good qualities and kiss his doormat status goodbye.

Back when I was a junior in college, I started dating a freshman theater major. She had just landed a lead role in a musical/drama/performance art thing. Anyway, I figured it would be a thoughtful gesture not only to get her roses for her opening night, but also (drum roll, please) give her a teddy bear I made myself, complete with a hand-sewn costume that matched her stage outfit down to the tiniest detail. Yep.

The night I brought it to her in her dressing room, she squealed and gushed. Later she took it back to the dorm and showed all of her friends, who also squealed and gushed. But what I didn't realize is that this simple act (actually it wasn't simple because taffeta unravels pretty easily and all of the detailing on the headpiece had to be hand-stitched so that took about two hours – okay, not the point) I had just sealed my reputation on campus for being … gulp … sweet.

A week later we broke up.

What did I learn from the whole experience? First, no matter how much you like a woman, never, ever sew for her. Seriously. Not a Butterick pattern, not a pot holder – nothing. Next, just because something is nice to do, doesn't mean it's wise to do.

Five tips to eviscerate the nice guy within

So, think you're ready to put your nice guy image to rest for good? Well, buckle up, buttercup. We've got some work to do.

1. Be true.
No matter how tempting it may become to abruptly ditch your instincts and act like Russell Crowe on a rough day, don't waste your time. Women are smart and they'll see right through it. Remember, just because you're wearing moccasins and a full feathered headdress doesn't mean you're actually one of the Village People. If you're naturally wired to remember birthdays and open doors and swing toward the romantic side, count yourself fortunate. On the same note, don't overdo it. Smothering someone with “kindness,” especially early on is just creepy, dude. Balance.

2. Know the cycle.
Women's emotional focus and development is very different than men's. It usually starts off with their fathers, progresses to unicorns, shifts to bad boys, then at some point they start listening to Dave Matthews and ultimately wind up seeking a quality partner. These findings may not be endorsed by any university-based psychological study, but there is some truth in there. Especially the Dave Matthews part. The trick is finding someone who has grown beyond the bad boy phase and wants a substantive relationship, because no matter how bad you want it to be a match, you can't force that kind of progress. If you find a woman past her mid-twenties still needing the drama and chaos in her life only a volatile relationship can provide, take it as a hissing, rattling, side-winding warning. Back away slowly, my friend.

3. Get over it.
No one likes a whiner. And certainly no woman will be drawn to a man sighing, sulking in his chamomile tea about how difficult it is for a nice guy to find happiness.

(“Hey Sandy, it's Karen. I noticed Todd in the break room listening to a Morrissey CD and drawing Xs through hearts and teardrops in the eyes of sad panda bears on the back of his July expense report. Maybe I should go put on some lipstick!”)

Okay, so you're thoughtful and sensitive. That doesn't give you license to pity yourself. Eat some red meat, Watch a Charles Bronson movie. Wander around a hardware store for a couple of hours. Trust me, you'll be feeling better in no time.

4. Don't sew anything.
I think I've already covered that.

5. Know the difference.
If you take anything away from this well-intentioned tirade, let it be this: There is a big difference between “nice” and “good.” Nice is a quality. Good is a value. Aspiring to be good can only lead to positive things. It sounds like idealistic rhetoric, but it's true. You can take someone's feelings into consideration without compromising your own. You can let others see your weaknesses and still be strong.

In the end, the whole dilemma can be whittled down to a caption on one of those pre-framed inspirational posters you'd see in dentist's office: It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

And it's even better to be yourself.

What makes you tick?

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